The Sports Committee
I often told my dad during my snotty years that his theme song should be Billy Joel’s “I Go to Extremes”. (“Too high or too low there ain’t no in-betweens.”) Age seems to be mellowing him out (my dad that is—I can’t speak for Mr Joel),1 but I still like that as his theme song. After all, it’s off the Storm Front album which is one of only three albums I owned in high school (the other two being Five Young Cannibals’ The Raw & the Cooked and Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth). I would set up my stereo to play side A of Storm Front and them Side A of Electric Youth. Then when they had played out, I would flip the tapes and listen to the Sides B. Then the Sides A. And so I passed my youth. If this depresses you or “explains” something to you, keep it to yourself.
I bring up my father because I’m the same: I tend to be a little extreme. And it appears that extremes may be an actual sign of my presence as well.
The NSA’s Sports Committee set up teams for basketball and volleyball, and we all played against each other until a champion was declared. The basketball team I played on might as well have been declared DOA2—we never won a single game. In fact, we were never anything but blown out. The Rats volleyball team I was on though? We went undefeated and won the championship (although there was, I admit, a questionable call that gave us the final game).
The Rats, even if they had lost, would still have gone down in history as the finest dressed sports team this side of a roller derby. The girls on the team had found the Secret Legwarmer Graveyard, and had placed a hungry prospector’s claim on3 it. Hooray for legwarmers.
Actually, Gibby and I didn’t get legwarmers. We were given these incredible socks one of the Catholic girls must have made. And what socks they were! I could pull mine way up my thigh, which suggests that Gibby could’ve camped out in either of hers. But it’s the colors that really make them great. Starting at a red stripe, we have red stripe – black line – yellow stripe – black line – pink stripe – black line – green stripe – black line – white line – red stripe – black line – yellow stripe – black line – purple stripe – black line – pink stripe – black line – white line – (repeat). The only way these socks could improve is if they weren’t so obviously homemade with big thick seams bunching up at the toes. I did get used to the seams however, and it was pritty cool how I could pull the socks up and underneath my shorts, making me Little Nicky Knickers.
I made those shorts from my best fitting pair of pants, an extremely worn pair of Dockers. The knees had finally given up and had become gaping holes. So I cut off everything sub-holes, and attempted to hem them with my orange thread (it was the only color of thread I owned in those days) during a bus ride. They may not of looked too hot, but since I didn’t feel so hot with them on, they fulfilled their “sporty” purpose.
The fact that anything I own has a sporty purpose at all is rather amazing. Asked if I run, I will likely answer, “Me? Heavens, no. I understand it’s very bad on one’s knees and does terrors on spines. And for what? An adrenaline rush? A sense of accomplishment? Me, I’ld rather have a good back tomorrow than a sense of accomplishment today. Call me shortsighted, but there you have it.”
I am, you see, much too concerned about my future health to spend time in anything so self-destructive as exercise. This does, however, put me in direct conflict with the understood purpose of the Sports Committee.
We all agreed we would like more perfect student bods4
So Mandy and her cronies gathered up us big old clods
And now we do athletics will our lungs are caving in
But after just one week we go and do it all again
Like anything addictive and potentially destructive, exercise and sports have that element of Cool that just sucks saps in. I cannot deny that in the past, even I have been so sucked. But through education, I have overcome. So, for your reference and future health, here are some of the specific means Sports Pushers apply when taking in the innocents:
Rivalries: If the SPs can get you to care especially about one particular game between rivals, they can likely later move you to the harder stuff of all-sports-all-the-time. For example, the Rats had a rivalry with the Szxylktks (which appearances notwithstanding was apparently pronounced [babz]). Before you knew it, both teams and their fans had sold their souls to all-sports-all-the-time. Another particularly sucking rivalry is BYU v U of U football.
Adrenaline: Adrenaline is the poor man’s heroin. Your body, ever the enemy, produces adrenaline itself when performing sports acts. You know how addicting heroin is—just imagine having if pumped directly into your bloodstream by your own body! Frightening? I hope so.
Health Reasons: Ironically, SPs insist exercise is actually good for you! Ha! Like smokes’ll give you a silky, radio announcer voice! Ha! This one is too preposterous to really deserve comment, but the simple fact that so many people actually believe it makes it demand my attention. So here is some carefully researched information to help you see through this vicious lie: 1) Exercise is bad for you. 2) Because I said so.
A Good Night’s Rest: Perhaps, but if you wake up sore in the morning, was it really worth it?
An Attractive Body: Yes, according to our anorexic societal standards of beauty, sure. But are you really going to believe the beauty industry and SPs on this one? Remember, these are the same people who insist you should starve yourself and binge to heart attack telling you that exercise is good. Have they really earned your trust? Or are you just a gullible fool. Listen to your Uncle Theric—he has only your best interests at heart.
The Greater Good: The argument goes like this, “Because exercisers are healthier and better looking, if we all exercised, the world would become a utopic wonderland.” Bull honkey. It might be for the greater good of Sports Pushers, but for you and me, the common folk? It’s hard to believe.
The sad thing is that so many SPs really seem to believe what they preach. Gabe, a Sports Committee member and Mr Sports in the Mr Nauvoo pageant, was truly suckered into believing exercise is good. And in the midst of so many good people so horribly deceived, all I can think for us to do is to pray for their poor, misguided souls. And stay the heck away from exercise ourselves. It’s either exercise or not exercise; you’re either with me or you’re against me. As Mr Joel said, “There just ain’t no in-betweens.”
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Thanks for revisiting Nauvoo with me. I would love to hear your thoughts.