Contrary to popular legend, Eric W Jepson (the W is silent) was not in fact born in Mozambique to immigrants who had illegally crossed over from Swaziland in order to work in the maize-shucking industry, though that would be a great story if it were true, and could be nothing but a leg-up in next year’s National Book Award campaign.

For those from Mozambique, though, his actual story is every bit as exotic: Born in Utah to Mormon parents, he spent his formative years breaking open spray paint cans for marbles in Montpelier, Idaho; folding homework into beecatchers in Clovis, California; and moping and oversleeping in Tehachapi, California. All three cities would do well to commemorate these activities with some sort of plaque or something.

Following his high school graduation, Eric spent a year flipping burgers and going to college. Then he packed up and left for Korea as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints where it took him a few months to adapt to his new rice-and-kimchi diet.

In addition to being a good person, eating 배s and walking hundreds—possibly thousands—of miles a week, it was in Korea that Eric first became generally known as The Amazing—as in “The Amazing Elder Jepson.” In time, Th’mazing Elder Jepson would become Thmazing and Theric and a zillion other variations, all of which are trademarked with extreme prejudice and which trademarks he is really hoping Coke violates. “Bring it on, Coke!” This is what he cries late at night when is alone with his demons.

Speaking of demons, Theric still hasn’t finished the short story “The Itty-Bitty Demon that Lives Six Inches Behind My Forehead.” This might be for the best anyway as he suspects the idea may have been ripped off from Robert Bloch’s “Enoch.”

A list of other writers Theric makes efforts never to rip off is available for $19.95 or the opportunity to whale on your car with an aluminum baseball bat. He has always kind of wondered what that might be like.

Theric, having returned from Korea, left California a year later for the state of his birth, where he attended Brigham Young University—sometimes at a cut rate, sometimes not. It depended on how smart he was at any given time. And as anyone who has followed his career knows, that is one unpredictable variable.

Beyond, you know, getting educated and stuff, it was at BYU that Theric met and married a girl named Lynsey. Since their graduations, they have moved seven times. It’s sort of a hobby of theirs.

(Sure beats spending one’s money traveling to beautiful and exotic locations in Asia, Europe and Micronesia.)

They currently live in lovely El Cerrito, California with their two young boys, neither of whom are wanted felons.

Theric’s first fiction-for-money deal was with Quantum Muse. His first novel, Byuck, will be released later this year from Zarahemla Books. Although the details have not yet been worked out, it is expected the first 300 people to purchase it will receive, as a free bonus, lasting happiness and obscene sex appeal.

Probably only for monkeys, though, due to FDA regulations.

Sigh.

Guess it’s time to finally become a Libertarian.

 

 

read former versions of
the official biography